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Depression and S.A.D. (Trigger Warning!)

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Depression and S.A.D. (Trigger Warning!)

AnaMardoll
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It's winter here. It's cold and blah and that makes me sad. My Mom suffers from S.A.D., too, and we were talking today about how feeling sad and depressed when there's "no reason to be" makes us feel guilty and furthers the cycle. Bleh.

And it's not like I don't sort of have some reasons to be sad. My Dad got some kind-of bad news at his job, and my best friend has some serious bad news going on with her family, and Husband got good news at his job that was less than the good-news-he-was-expecting, so there's a gap of expectations, and...

[paragraph break for ramblyness]

...I was pain-free over Thanksgiving week (which was AWESOME) but when I came back to work Monday, my DESK CHAIR PARALYZED ME MY GOD THAT THING IS A MENACE and there's nothing I can do about it because company policy does not allow me to bring in my own chair and since Monday, Husband has had to help me to the bathroom because I can't stand up from a sitting position without leverage and I cry when I go through the standing up motion and I realize it's not my fault that I have this pain but I still hate it and I feel embarrassed.

And since Husband is much older than me and Parents are MUCH older than me, when I hurt like this, it brings home the 'fact' that they will all die first and leave me alone and I won't have anyone to help me go to the bathroom because our reproductive efforts failed and I'll be alone and sad and WHY DO I THINK OF THIS JUST BECAUSE IT'S WINTER? *facepalm*

And when I'm hurting, I am TOUCHY ON THE INTERNET and then I have to worry that everyone thinks I'm a snarky b***h. Which I kind of am. So there's that.

And! The "best" thing about winter blahs is that I stop being productive entirely, which is basically the worst thing possible for me because if I don't write a blog post EVERY DAY or a chapter EVERY DAY, then I am clearly a Very Lazy And Bad Person, and no, it doesn't matter than I hand-wrote out 5 pages of words for a book yesterday while stuck in a boring training class because my brain is SO set to criticize myself that facts are not allowed to get in the way. There's always a reason why my efforts don't 'count' because it should have been so much more.

I really have to credit Body Acceptance for getting me to a place where I could respect depression and say, "Listen to your body, Ana, if you need to eat, you eat. If you need to rest, you rest." And I guilt-trip myself so much less than when I was younger and less accepting of self. But it still happens.

And... um... I don't know why I'm sharing this. I really hate "whining" but maybe this will be helpful to someone else who sees this and realizes they aren't alone. And, uh, here is a ninja.
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Re: Depression and S.A.D. (Trigger Warning!)

Brin
AnaMardoll wrote
And since Husband is much older than me and Parents are MUCH older than me, when I hurt like this, it brings home the 'fact' that they will all die first and leave me alone and I won't have anyone to help me go to the bathroom because our reproductive efforts failed and I'll be alone and sad and WHY DO I THINK OF THIS JUST BECAUSE IT'S WINTER? *facepalm*
Younger friends that don't live in Canada? (Or move to Canada, but that's not so good SAD-wise. *looks pointedly out wind...oh hey, snow's gone. I'm sure it'll be back soon, though. Also Weather Underground says you have forty more minutes of afternoon today than us.*)

Hugs?
AnaMardoll wrote
And, uh, here is a ninja.
Nice. I like the typing one more, though, even if it is desktop-y.
(It's called "working"? Isn't this, like, the opposite of working?)
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Re: Depression and S.A.D. (Trigger Warning!)

chris the cynic
In reply to this post by AnaMardoll
AnaMardoll wrote
And... um... I don't know why I'm sharing this. I really hate "whining"
That's how I feel whenever I talk about depression.  Every word.  And the ellipses too.

-

I asked for an incomplete* in one of my classes yesterday.  My teacher was great about it, for she is awesome.  (Completely unrelated, I just did a search for her** and found out we have the same birthday, did not know that.)  The thing is, whenever I talk about depression, whenever I ask for something because of it or explain something by pointing to it, I feel like I'm whining and I don't like the feeling.

I also don't like the "h" in whining, I really feel like it should not be there.  I don't know why.  Whenever I look at the word I feel like I haven't seen it before, and when I try to spell it I'm pretty sure I always, or almost always, forget the h.  It's weird.

-

Anyway, I bring this up mostly to say that you're not alone.

-

*It means that the class will be counted as unfinished and I'll be given additional time to finish it where if I took the final and did the final paper I think I'd fail both.  It's supposed to only happen under extraordinary circumstances.

** I did the search so I could say the following.

This is my teacher, by the way.  I haven't actually read the book, but I assume it to be great.  Though I do know that she was told by the publisher to change the title and add a certain chapter.  When it came out reviewers didn't like the title, or the chapter in question.  The rest of the book was apparently well received.

Be on the lookout for her translation of Catullus which is currently being worked on.  Though, I'll probably say something when it publishes so being on the lookout probably won't actually make a difference.
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Re: Depression and S.A.D. (Trigger Warning!)

AnaMardoll
Administrator
Thank you both, so much. (Brin, I am totally crashing with you something like 60 years from now. *wink* And maybe the maple syrup will help me get past the cold Canadian winters!)

Chris, I share your appreciate of your awesome teacher who was willing to give you an Incomplete and recognized that you wouldn't have asked if you didn't really need it. (Also, her last name is Uzzi, which is all kinds of amusing to me at the moment.)

I was chastising myself later for calling the post "whiny" (myself, I think the word needs an 'e') because it's like a thin person calling herself "fat" -- the fatter people in the room end up thinking, "well, what must she think of ME?" Although I do feel like *I* am whining when I write my troubles, I never feel like anyone else is whining when they do the same. I should probably convey that better -- that I respect their issues -- by not tearing down my own. But that is hard sometimes -- I have a strong "tear self down" tendency at times.

But, then again, maybe it'll help in that someone will read that and think, "That's not whiny, that's just Ana expressing her Troubles, *I'm* the whiny one, no, wait, I'm doing the same thing Ana did! My troubles are maybe valid like hers! Eureka!" and then... um... self-acceptance will be achieved, once and for all. And then cake.

I cannot for the life of me remember where that was going. So in the spirit of the thread, here is now a happy drinking song:
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Re: Depression and S.A.D. (Trigger Warning!)

pthalo
*hugs*
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Re: Depression and S.A.D. (Trigger Warning!)

AnaMardoll
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Thank you for the hugs!

I've actually been doing much better this week, probably in no small part because I've not been hurting nearly so much for some reason. And also my holiday break at work is coming up and I'm super excited about that.

How is everyone else doing?
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Re: Depression and S.A.D. (Trigger Warning!)

Brin
AnaMardoll wrote
How is everyone else doing?
Busy. I suppose most people are accustomed to having to leave the house every single day Mon - Fri, but not me. (Going to an eye doctor checkup soon. I hate those; it hurts having liquid dropped in my eye.)

AnaMardoll wrote
And also my holiday break at work is coming up and I'm super excited about that.
I'm looking forward to it too. I'm not sure if it's the 20th (to match Hanukkah) or the 18th (to make it an even fortnight) it starts, nor do I know if it's New Year's Eve or New Year's Day that's the last (on a Sun - Thur school schedule, ending on the last day of Hanukkah is a one-day week, not worth the bother). I should check that.


P.S. Due to Internet troubles (probably on Nabble's end), I couldn't post this until after the eye doctor trip. I got to skip the drops, but in the trying-on-glasses mirror* I noticed a hair on my chin.
I don't like the idea of having facial hair. I don't even have bangs. Upon further thought, I figured I already (due to a mixture of factors) feel detached at best and wrong at worst when looking at my face. Therefore, I shouldn't care about having facial hair unless it gets to the point where I can feel it.

*My old glasses are fine, but it was there.
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Re: Depression and S.A.D. (Trigger Warning!)

pthalo
In reply to this post by AnaMardoll
I glad you doing better :)

I'm doing okay. Took the cat to the vet again. Her eyes get better and then i take the elizabethan collar off and she starts scratching again, so i put the collar back on...etc. She's having me try yet another cream, and she also wants Csillag eat more expensive food. I explained that the food we buy costs 1/4 the price of the stuff she wants Csillag to eat and she offered to take a little off the price of visiting the vet if I'd buy the cat food, so I came home with $23 worth of cat food (1.5 kg) (i usually pay $3.50/kg) and the vet visit was $30 in all. sheesh. But I can afford it this month, mum sent me money out of the blue, and the value of the forint is plummeting, so I have more spending money than usual.

I compared the labels when I got home, and the expensive stuff does have a lot more vitamins in it.

I bought 100g of ham today, and some bread rolls. It's supposed to be kept between 0 and 5°C, and it's 3°C outside, so i put it on the balcony. :) Now to see how much of it I can eat for my dinner before the cats swarm me. My guess is that they'll swarm me as soon as I open it but before I eat any.
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Re: Depression and S.A.D. (Trigger Warning!)

AnaMardoll
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Aw, poor kitty.  Auxiliary Backup Cat gets cysts in her eyes sometimes and has to have a special food additive + eye drops to get over it. *kitty hugs*
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Re: Depression and S.A.D. (Trigger Warning!)

chris the cynic
In reply to this post by AnaMardoll
AnaMardoll wrote
How is everyone else doing?
If I'd read this when you asked I'd have had a more positive answer.  Unfortunately, yesterday sucked.

On the other hand, I just read your solution to not reading as many books as planned, which made me laugh out loud, and that was good feeling.
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Re: Depression and S.A.D. (Trigger Warning!)

AnaMardoll
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We're all about the creative solutions. *grins*

I'm sorry to hear yesterday sucked. Here's hoping today is better.
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Re: Depression and S.A.D. (Trigger Warning!)

Dezster
I think I've been struggling with depression for a while.  Definitely for the past few months, possibly the last couple years.  I haven't been able to motivate myself to do any homework, and now I have 3 days to finish about 10 different assignments, which is basically impossible.  And it's too late to ask for an incomplete because I'm too stubborn to ask for help and I'm leaving for home on Monday.  I'm already in danger of being kicked out of my program for having my GPA be too low through the past couple years, and now if I don't get at least a 2.70 they won't let me come back in January.

I don't know what to do, I feel like I am made of fail.
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Re: Depression and S.A.D. (Trigger Warning!)

AnaMardoll
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Dezster, I'm so sorry to hear that. *hugs*

I do recommend calling your teachers and explaining the situation, if you can bring yourself to. And a lot of universities have "second chance" programs for this sort of situation, if you can find out the information and get enrolled. (Which is a real catch-22 if you're depressed and unmotivated, so it might help if you can enlist the school counselor or a trusted teacher.)

But now I'm trying to "solve" your problem instead of just listening and that's no good. I'm so sorry and there are hugs here whenever you need them.
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Re: Depression and S.A.D. (Trigger Warning!)

Dezster
It's okay, I understand.  Thinking about it now, I wish I had got help or tried to get an incomplete or something, but it's Saturday and I leave early on Monday morning, so there's no way to get the paperwork in in time nor do I feel like trying to explain it all to my professors cuz then I feel even more like fail.  I failed two classes two years ago and since then I've been on the verge of being kicked out pretty much every semester.

I keep telling everyone that the main reason I'm so behind is that my dad had a brain aneurysm rupture 2 and a half weeks ago, and so my sisters and I flew home for a week because we didn't know if he would survive it.  He's okay now, but I did end up missing a week of classes and homework time, since I obviously didn't bring homework home with me.  That's not entirely true though, as I've been putting off homework pretty much all semester.  I have papers that were due in October that I haven't even started yet, and I don't think I'll get the time to finish them.  I just need a clone of myself or something so that I can do twice as much work and actually get it all done.  Even now, I'm on Facebook and Pinterest instead of working on homework... I just can't make myself do it.
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Re: Depression and S.A.D. (Trigger Warning!)

Dezster
Double post, my bad.

I talked to the Dean of Education today (he was at the school for church and I'm working) and he says that it is possible to take a year off starting in January and still be able to come back into the program next January, that is if I pass my courses this semester.  I felt at the end of last school year that I should have taken a year off to just work and not do school, but I was afraid I wouldn't get into my program if I took the time off in between.

I'm going to take the next couple weeks of vacation to discuss with Boyfriend and others and see if that's something I should do.  I feel in my heart like I should, and the more I think about taking time off school, the better I feel personally.  But I don't want to make a rash decision just cuz right now I'm looking at an impossible mountain of work that I will never get done in time.
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Re: Depression and S.A.D. (Trigger Warning!)

AnaMardoll
Administrator
That sounds like a really good plan -- here's all the *hugs* in the hopes that things start looking up for you. Just remember that you're not bad or a failure or anything like that for struggling with depression -- it hits who it hits and it sounds like you're doing a great job dealing with it. Depression is rough.
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