Reply – Depression and S.A.D. (Trigger Warning!)
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Depression and S.A.D. (Trigger Warning!)
— by AnaMardoll AnaMardoll
It's winter here. It's cold and blah and that makes me sad. My Mom suffers from S.A.D., too, and we were talking today about how feeling sad and depressed when there's "no reason to be" makes us feel guilty and furthers the cycle. Bleh.

And it's not like I don't sort of have some reasons to be sad. My Dad got some kind-of bad news at his job, and my best friend has some serious bad news going on with her family, and Husband got good news at his job that was less than the good-news-he-was-expecting, so there's a gap of expectations, and...

[paragraph break for ramblyness]

...I was pain-free over Thanksgiving week (which was AWESOME) but when I came back to work Monday, my DESK CHAIR PARALYZED ME MY GOD THAT THING IS A MENACE and there's nothing I can do about it because company policy does not allow me to bring in my own chair and since Monday, Husband has had to help me to the bathroom because I can't stand up from a sitting position without leverage and I cry when I go through the standing up motion and I realize it's not my fault that I have this pain but I still hate it and I feel embarrassed.

And since Husband is much older than me and Parents are MUCH older than me, when I hurt like this, it brings home the 'fact' that they will all die first and leave me alone and I won't have anyone to help me go to the bathroom because our reproductive efforts failed and I'll be alone and sad and WHY DO I THINK OF THIS JUST BECAUSE IT'S WINTER? *facepalm*

And when I'm hurting, I am TOUCHY ON THE INTERNET and then I have to worry that everyone thinks I'm a snarky b***h. Which I kind of am. So there's that.

And! The "best" thing about winter blahs is that I stop being productive entirely, which is basically the worst thing possible for me because if I don't write a blog post EVERY DAY or a chapter EVERY DAY, then I am clearly a Very Lazy And Bad Person, and no, it doesn't matter than I hand-wrote out 5 pages of words for a book yesterday while stuck in a boring training class because my brain is SO set to criticize myself that facts are not allowed to get in the way. There's always a reason why my efforts don't 'count' because it should have been so much more.

I really have to credit Body Acceptance for getting me to a place where I could respect depression and say, "Listen to your body, Ana, if you need to eat, you eat. If you need to rest, you rest." And I guilt-trip myself so much less than when I was younger and less accepting of self. But it still happens.

And... um... I don't know why I'm sharing this. I really hate "whining" but maybe this will be helpful to someone else who sees this and realizes they aren't alone. And, uh, here is a ninja.